Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
