I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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