I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
