I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We have so much sex to catch up on
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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