The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
