It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
