The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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