It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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