i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
