You're my little dorito
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
