stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
