just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
