my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
