i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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