I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
