got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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