so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
