there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
