I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
