Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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