Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize