how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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