so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
