that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
