ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Randomize
