I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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