Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We are all done wearing pants today
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
