remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
