he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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