apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
