Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
