I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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