I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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