Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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