New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize
