Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
