i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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