his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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