I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
