I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
