My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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