It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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