The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
