I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
