I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
