just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
