Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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