What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
3 2 1 whiskey
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
