A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
