all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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