Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
