Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
