Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
