I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
