we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
that is very illegal...i love you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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