this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
