my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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