For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
