I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
