you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
this is an emotional support booty call
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
